Over the weekend we watched the fantastic Shaun of the Dead for the first time in what turns out to have been a long while. It is a timely reminder of the inevitable zombie apocalypse, and how one needs to hone their skills in preparation for when the dead once again walk the Earth.

Many skills will be required in the post-apocalyptic world. Certainly, we may be able to train the zombies to perform menial tasks, but this will take time and many will lose their lives in this endeavour. In the meantime, we will have to make do with manpower, not zombiepower.

So how can I make myself useful in order to continue my own pathetic existence as the undead roam free? One has to start somewhere, and learning the skill of growing and harvesting food seems like an appropriate place to begin. I already know how to eat and digest food, so there’s part of the chain ready to be linked.

With this in mind, over the weekend we turned what was previously an overgrown garden bed into a vegetable patch. Or rather, nice-looking dirt with green protrusions. There are no vegetables to be seen at this early stage. Nor has the “vegetable” (read: dirt) patch been zombie-proofed. Those skills will have to wait until I have honed the creation of food.

If the people who live in a large White House in the US, and a larger Buckingham Palace in the UK can do it, with their legion of professionally-trained food growing people, I’m sure I can do it all on my own. Right? I know there will be a large learning curve but one needs to be prepared for Z-Day. Which music should I play to enhance photosynthesis, for example? Do I speak in English, French or Esperanto to encourage water to pass through the Vascular Rays?